----- Forwarded message from John Hermann <hermann@picknowl.com.au> -----
Date: Thu, 31 May 2001
Subject: Banking made E A S Y !!!
From: "Doug Everingham" <dnevrghm@powerup.com.au>
This is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the USA. The Bank
thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
admit, has only been in place seven or eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of
fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these
unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as
my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can
think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to
hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes.
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must
nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, in order that I know as much about him or her as
your bank
knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his
or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and
that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due
course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote
in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to
access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field
even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will
notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have
any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an
extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; extension of
living room to be communicated at the time the call is received
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. Extension of
bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature,
extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to
access my computer is required. {Password will be communicated at a later
date to the contact.}
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to option 1 through
option 9. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy
wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a
refrain from The Best of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver that the
miners sweated for" After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will
probably know it off by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost
- a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay
your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of
advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per
page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute
of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in
the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back
to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie
doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries
brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous,New Year.
Your humble client.!!!!!!!
----- End forwarded message -----
--
______ _________________________________________________
/ | jonivar skullerud jonivar@bigfoot.com |
| jon | http://www.bigfoot.com/~jonivar/ |
\______ | |
\ | None are more hopelessly enslaved than those |
ivar | | who falsely believe they are free. -Goethe |
_______/ |_________________________________________________|
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