Synes det meste av dette var morsomt...
Trond Andresen
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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No
balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and give the other one drugs until it can produce the milk of
four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A BUSH FAMILY CORPORATION:
Your daddy gave you two cows. The cows get sick on account of how the pond you put them
in got the wrong kinda water. Your daddy's good friends in the Cattle Industry buy the cows at
$20 million apiece. The Cattle Industry pays no tax for the next five years cause they're right
good folks. The Cattle Industry done give you back the cows. You still got the cows and you
made $20 million on the deal. Who said you ain't no kinda businessman?
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. When the strike ends the
government has created a Departement des Vaches with a bureaucracy of 5,000. The head of the
Departement is your mistress, Fifi de St Arnaud Delacroix de la Grand-Cul. Your children are
departmental secretaries earning Ff 500,000 per year. There are still only two cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon
and market them World-Wide. The cows learn to bow to each other.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves. However, they need lebensraum....
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad. This is OK because the minister of Agriculture Herbert
Plunkett Ranfurly-Ernle-Earle-Drax was at school with you and is known to you as 'Whiffle'. He
kindly agrees to have the law changed so that your cows can be re-labelled as 'Non-Infectious
meat-type product of more than one leg of origin'. Tescos make you pay them to take your cows
away. They are machine-reclaimed and sold as premium quality organic beefburgers at 3,000%
profit per cow.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. When you come
back from lunch, the TV and the Press (which you own) are announcing that the two cows have
reproduced to become 2,000 cows during lunch. You and your brand-new colleague, Rino
"Chi-Chi the cat-buggerer" Torricelli (a respected Sicilian businessman with an international
pharmaceutical empire) now qualify for a huge EEC grant. You still don't know where the cows
are.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and
learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting
cows and open another bottle of vodka. If only the cows would stop drinking you could count
them properly.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
storing them. But there are no, repeat no, Nazi cows. Or Nigerian, Filipino, Serbian.....
A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them. They eat all your crops. You kill the muslims next door
and take their crops.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. The
party sells the re-educated milk, now called 'Mao's Milky Marvel'.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? Plainly, the land over the road currently illegally
occupied by Arab squatters for the last five hundred years is land apportioned them by Yaweh,
an inalienable part of Eretz Israel, nu? The cows take it in turns to learn to drive tanks. One cow
establishes a ditch and a concrete wall round their new grazing land with a bulldozer, while the
other cow goes to Washington to lobby for more US aid for the reclaimed land.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You are suspicious of them. They look foreign or Abo. With only 10 million
acres of outback per honest Australian cow you can't afford to take chances. You isolate the
cows on a small Pacific island pending further enquiries. The cows die on hunger strike.
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
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